I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
