My hand turned me down
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
