You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think I have vodka in my lungs
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
