as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
