I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
