The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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