someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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