Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Still dying that you shit outside
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
