So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
