My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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