There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
