explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
