On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
