I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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