My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
