I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
