Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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