Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
