I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
