Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
