i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
