Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
