and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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