I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
