So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
