Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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