Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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