Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
