They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize