how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
When are your genitals available?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
