i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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