You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
