Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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