i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
