ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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