My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
