You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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