its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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