the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
