you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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