I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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