3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
