i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
