Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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