she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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