So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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