i wish starbucks made bloody marys
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
