the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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