all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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