Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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