I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
