you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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