seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
