A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
