just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Terrible idea I love it
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
