she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize