Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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