I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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