I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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