I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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