the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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