Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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