she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
tell me about the eggs
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
