Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
