My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize