i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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