Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
